Winter is Over
Sorry folks, but the winter scene was starting to get on my nerves. So we're back to the 'original' redesign until I can come up with something flashier.
Also getting on my nerves, once again, is Real Simple.
Dear Ms. Maxwell:We just sent you your LAST ISSUE of REAL SIMPLE.
The means no more beautiful solutions to eliminate clutter and create serene spaces and calm moments for yourself. No more recipes for delicious one-dish dinners. No more practical, insightful hints for stress-free dressing or streamlining your credit.
Fortunately, your prompt reply can change all of this, depending upon which option you choose.
Return you Subscription Reinstatement Certificate to:
- Reinstate delivery of your subscription.
- Enjoy the Guaranteed Lowest Rate of just $19.95 for 10 issues.
Ignore this notice and:
- Face permanent suspension of delivery and Insider Subscriber privileges.
- Pay 49% more for future issues of REAL SIMPLE.
The choice is clear. Return your certificate now. In fact, if I hear from you by 02/05/04, I'll personally see to it that you still receive the next issue.
But please don't delay. We must hear from you at once to reinstate your subscription. Return your Reinstatement Certificate today.
Sincerely,
Kristiana Helmick
Consumer Marketing Director
Well, Ms. Helmick, if that is indeed your real name, you truly have a thing or two to learn about customer service. The first is that I have not feared the phrase "permanent suspension" since I was in grade school.
The second is that Real Simple has had more than a handful of people adding their sincerity to these charming letters in the time that I have been a subscriber, so you'll be lucky if you're still working for AOL Time Warner by the time the 5th of February rolls around.
And what exactly do you expect me to believe about the statement that you'll personally see to it that I still receive the next issue? Are you going to knock on my door with the next issue in hand? Because even the mailman doesn't personally see to it that I receive anything. You didn't see to it that I received any of the other issues personally or otherwise, and considering that 2 of 10 issues never arrived, I somehow think that maybe you don't even know where I live.
I wouldn't even renew my subscription if you kissed my butt. Nyeah.
Jan.27.04 at 10:57 PM
01.28.2004 at 02:12 AM
Mom writes:
Now you just have to send that letter to Ms. Helmick. It really is annoying that they find it necessary to be intimidating while trying to get YOU to subscribe to THEIR magazine. Interesting attitude, I think.
01.28.2004 at 11:55 AM
Athena writes:
Kristiana Helmick may = BW... ah ha!
I've never read a more insulting and repulsive subscription renewel letter...I wonder if the new addition of Kelly to the team has had anything to do with it? :) hehe, I doubt it, but it does make one wonder.
01.28.2004 at 04:23 PM
tim writes:
wow. -I- could have written a more sincere and polite renewal letter and I don't even know the definition of those words.
oh and thanks to wordsmith.org/anagram,
Kristiana Helmick =
SATAN CHIK LIKE RIM
01.28.2004 at 07:20 PM
al writes:
Diane sez "Nyeah"
WOW..getting cranky in our old age are we eh!
LOL
JUST TAKE THE DAMN MAGAZINE NOW WOMAN!
02.01.2004 at 12:32 PM
Ma' writes:
Dear Ms. Helmick:
Consumer Marketing Dictator,
Let's make this Real Simple...
Your magazines were cluttering my personal space,
Your letter was attempting to wreck my serene spaces and calm moments,
I'm creative enough to think up my own delicious one-one dish dinners,
Any practical hints for stress-free ANYthing are cancelled by your "oh, so pleasant" renewal offers,
I know how to dress comfortably,
and I understand credit.
(Wow! I'm damn near a Genius, huh ?, to know all those things on my very own!)
However you are certainly correct on one statement:
I can certainly change all this depending on the option I choose.
And, Yes...the choice IS clear.
I choose to tell you that you are a PITA and you can KMA!!!
But you're probably not bright enough to figure that code out...so, just go FY!
YES! My prompt reply does make me feel calm and serene! Thank you SO much!
So very most sincerely,
Your Never Again Reader
PS And if you really want to bring that one last issue to me personally, I'll be more than happy to SIUYA!!!
Thanking you again for a very satifying experience!
02.01.2004 at 02:28 PM
tim writes:
LOL!
ROTFLPIMP!
02.01.2004 at 02:37 PM
Ron writes:
ICUP.
tee hee.
02.03.2004 at 05:46 PM
Mom writes:
Boy, I guess we don't want to tweak Pegie. That's quite a tirade.
Just return the postage paid envelope empty so that they have to pay for NOTHING! I love doing that.
02.04.2004 at 11:23 AM
Ma writes:
Just turning it back at her!!! Nothing personal...but that was WAY crappy!
02.04.2004 at 03:17 PM
tim writes:
wow. returning the envelope with nothing...that is SO awesome.
How come I never thought of that...
Though actually I think filling it with those confetti stars that static cling to everything (and the gods help you if they get into the carpet) would be more evil.
02.04.2004 at 06:22 PM
diane writes:
I guess if you didn't think of returning it empty, you also didn't think of taping the envelope to a brick and dropping it in the mail.
I do like the confetti idea though. Maybe I will shred the letter they sent me and mail the shreds back to them.
02.04.2004 at 10:26 PM
phil writes:
Why not just stuff it with all your other junk mail?
02.06.2004 at 03:07 PM
Athena writes:
AH YES! A brilliant idea! Surely Miss Helmick would support decluttering your life :)
02.07.2004 at 09:06 PM
Shannon writes:
Hi, Kris. Just browsing through the sfc members' websites. Taping the postage=paid envelope to a brick is something I've wanted very much to do but not had the guts to do for a year or so. But I read too many webcomics...
02.16.2004 at 10:30 PM
Ma' writes:
Hey, Kids! I know y'all are busy and stressed...but it would be nice to see you ONCE in a while. I start to worry when we don't hear from you for so long...
Love ya!
02.20.2004 at 10:47 AM
AVERAGE JOE writes:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
THIS SPACE FOR RENT
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Formerly occupied by a blog named the Cyborg Lounge. Unfurnished; curtains and appliances stay.
02.20.2004 at 02:25 PM
tim writes:
*looks around*
"Aw baby this is beautiful, we got a chandelier hanging up here, kids playing outside, it's a beautiful neighborhood. Ain't got nothing to worry about... I really like this place..."
"GET OUT!"
"Too bad we can't stay..."
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