Original Script
     Yes, there was actually a script for this film, in the sense that I wrote down some notes on what was supposed to happen and what people were supposed to say. This is the first draft of the script, which contains some very different scenes than those that ended up in the final version. I am particularly fond of the closing lines in this version, probably because I don't remember writing them.
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A BOY AND HIS LIGHTSABER
BY KRISTEN MAXWELL

Scene 1: Crawl

EXT, Starry sky.

Audio: Star Wars Fanfare
CG logo shooting back,
CG Crawl, "Episide 867-5309: A Boy and His Lightsaber" + CRAWL INTRO

PAN DOWN to DORM EXT, zoom slowly in to light in window.
Audio: fade out fanfare, fade in voices in room

Scene 2: Intro

INT, Dorm Room.

Characters are gathered around TV watching Star Wars (or ESB or ROTJ). They're cracking jokes and making comments as usual.
POV Television, watching the conversation, mix with
Behind shot, with TV in view as they make comments

[record actual viewing session for dialogue, with emphasis on heightened arguments and snide comments, plus BS rumors and complaints from antagonistic character "steve"]

As viewing winds down (after ending credits), continue discussion, carrying on to really extended, hyper-geek starwars convo (such as midichlorian debate, special edition differences, and especially star wars lifestyle.. "I want star wars clothes" etc)

After convo, group dissolves with grumblings of work and a spatter of quotes as they exit.


Scene 3: The Package

INT, mailroom

Cole is checking his mail.
-CU on keys going into keyhole
-POV mailbox looking out as he grabs the package
-CU on package in hands, reading "TO: COLE, FROM: YOUR FATHER"

INT, Dorm Room

Cole tears open the package, pulling out a letter first, which he reads snippets of aloud as he skims over it:

"something for you... wanted you to have this... old enough... wouldn't allow it... blah blah blah... idealistic crusade... whatever..."

Cole discards the letter and reaches into the packing material to produce a LIGHTSABER. He holds it reverently and has a look of awe as he ignites the saber.
Audio: quiet force theme, raise to crechendo as he pulls the saber out and ignites it. Fade in "Happy Together" and wipe to...


Scene 4: Saber Montage

Music video style montage of the follow segments:

1. EXT, DAY, The Park

Cole frolicks through the park, skipping gaily and swinging his saber about. Unwittingly slashes several innocent park visitors.

2. INT, The Bathroom

-CU, sink. Turns on water.
-CU, hands. Dispenses large glob os shaving cream
-MED, Cole is just finishing lathering his face
-CU/MED, mirror... Cole ignites his saber and starts to shave with it

3. INT, Hallway

-MED/WIDE, Cole walks up to his door, reaches for the handle
-CU, twists knob several times, no effect [it's locked]
-MED, pats pockets, looking for keys, looks perplexed.
-CU, coles face... looks frustrated, then shrugs (aw, screwit)
-MED/WIDE, ignites saber, clashes door... door shoots open (pull from inside)
-MED/WIDE, POV inside room, Cole walks in as door swings open, pleased look on his face

4. EXT, outside dorm (on U perhaps), DAY

Mix of wide and CU shots of Cole slicing things in half as his friend throws them at him
(long for throwing and swinging, CU, for actual slicing)

Friend has a bag of stuff.. pulls each thing out, lookiong to cole for approval (CU reaction shots). Maybe stuff like:

AOL CD, Cantelope, Jar Jar doll, As I Lay Dying book (goes berzerk and demolishes it), Leonardo DiCaprio poster, Pokemon doll, etc etc

5. INT, Computer Lab

-over shoulder, working on macintosh....
-CU, Application Unknown error
-Med, behind computer shot, cole stands up, in rage, cuts computer in half


Scene 5: Dinnertime


INT, Caf/ACAC Lounge/Hut

Group is eating dinner, again conversing about Star Wars stuff... Steve being antagonistic as usual... After a while, Cole gets up for more nuggets and Ron goes to the bathroom, holding his stomach- "I have a bad feeling about this." Trent gets up to go to class.

Trent is intercepted by Gordo, dressed in cheap mirror shades, a fake moustache, slicked-back hair, and a vest or flannel overshirt. The classic Han/Greedo scene ensues, with dialogue changes:

GORDO: Chupa verga, puta?
[Going somewhere Trent?]

TRENT: Yes Gordo, as a matter of fact I was just going to see your employer. Tell Blockbuster that I've got their money.

GORDO: Estoy cojera. Solo puedo ponerme rigido cuando lleno el culo con mantequilla. A veces me gusta afeitar mis juevos y vestirme como una pirata, heh heh. Soy un chico sucio.
[It's too late. You should have paid your late fee when you had the chance... Blockbuster's put a price on your head so large, every collection agency in the state will be looking for you... I'm lucky I found you first]

TRENT: Yeah but this time I've got the money.

GORDO: Tu abuelita tiene cujones mas grandes que tuyos
[If you give it to me, I might forget I found you]

TRENT: I don't have it with me. Tell Blockbuster-

GORDO: Tengo un picazon en mis pantalones. Las cucurachas entran, pero no pueden salir.
[ Blockbuster's through with you. They have no time for members who don't respect the due date for New Releases]

TRENT: Look, even I need a week to watch Meet Joe Black. You think I have no life?

GORDO: Tus piernas me hacen mojado. Quiero comer s\tu virilidad.
[You can tell that to Blockbuster. They may only take your card]

TRENT: Over my dead body

GORDO: Mis lomos estan quemando. Necesito tu cuerpo ahorita!
[That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time]

TRENT: Yeah, I bet you have!


Gordo fires, misses wildly. The shot ricochets off the walls and Cole's saber, eventually hitting him in the chest and killig him.

GORDO: Oh, I'm hyurting!

Trent reveals that he was pulling out his wallet (not a blaster), shrugs, and puts it back in his pocket.



Meanwhile...

INT, Caf line.

Several people are standing in line to be served. Jeff and Cole are standing next to one another, and behind them are 2 thuggish types.

One thug bumps into Jeff, and babbles incoherently (rattles off insults really fast)

Second thug steps forward

THUG: He doesn't like you.

JEFF: I'm Sorry. [turns away]

THUG[grabs jeff's arm]: I don't like you either! You just watch yourself. I've been on academic probation for 3 semesters!

JEFF: I'll be careful.

THUG: You'll be dead!

[Cole intervenes]

COLE: This little one isn't worth your trouble. Come, let me get you something.

[Thug throws Jeff to the ground and lunges forward]

COLE: Bitch! [ignites saber, slashes at THUG, who falls screaming to the floor.]

[Cole helps Jeff to his feet]

JEFF: I'm alright.

COLE: Damn law students, they never learn.

Meanwhile

INT, Bathroom

Ron walks in, stomach growling. He dashes into a stall. Shot from outside stall of Ron's feet as he groans. Cut to inside as he pulls the last tiny shred of toilet paper from the roll.

CU on Ron, with shred of paper in hand

RON: Nooooo! That's impossible!!!!!!

Audio: Obi-wan saying "use the force", Luke in Wampa Cave theme

POV Ron, stall door cracks open, long shot through door of TP roll on counter.

MED, ron reaches out with hand, intent on moving it with his mind.

CU on TP, shaking slightly and inching forward

CU on Ron, closes his eyes, breathes deep and ocncentrates

Force theme springs to life as the roll flies into ron's hand through the open door
[use frame reversal for force effect]

Outside stall, flush sound, Ron walks out, looking relieved.




Scene 6: Nightmare

INT, Dorm Room


Cole is in his skivvies, getting ready for bed. He gets in bed, with the lightsaber next to him.

COLE: Goodnight my beloved lightsaber. I know you're tired, and we have a big day of cutting stuff in half tomorrow. Sweet dreams. [kisses saber and rolls over]


-Fade out to dream sequence-

INT, dark hallway, SLOWMO

Cole walks through the eerily lit hallways and eventually comes to a corner, from which emerges the dark cloaked figure of Steve, wearing a Darth Maul mask (or something).

Cole ignites his saber, only to find that it is just a toy. Steve's functioning saber slices his blade in half, as he rattles off spoilers...

"Amidala dies at the end of episode 3"

"Darth Maul comes back as a cyborg"

"Obi wan is a clone"

and stuff like that...


Finally, Cole is backed onto a ledge and has his hand cut off... he scoots off onto an outcropping as Steve continues to torment him....

STEVE: Lucas never told you what happens in episodes 7 8 and 9

COLE: He told me enough... he told me he wouldn't make them

STEVE: No.... Kevin Anderson is making them!

COLE: NOOOOOOO!!! That's not true! That's Impossible! NOOOOOO!


Cole falls backwards off the ledge, and wakes screaming in his bed


Close-up on his hand, which is still there...

Series of wider cuts as he looks around to see he is alone in the room

Then come a knock at the door....

Scene 7: Cease and Desist

INT, Dorm Room

Cole is in his skivvies, getting out of bed... the knock comes again,

COLE: I'm coming... hold on...

Cole rises out of the bed, all the while with impending creepy music as the knocking continues.

Finally, as Cole has just gotten decent, the door FLIES open, and the music from Darth Maul's appearance in the hangar sounds. Behind the open door looms a silhouetted figure of a man, shot from a low angle to look menacing.

The man steps forward and we can see he is dressed in a business suit and carrying a briefcase. He produces a roll of paper (like maul's saber) and unrolls it, without saying a word. The words CEASE & DESIST are written on the sheet along with some legalese mumbo jumbo....

As cole stands shaking in fear, the lawyer speaks:

LAWYER: I represent LUCASFILM marketing. We have been alerted to your use of the lightsaber and regret to inform you that me must halt your unlicensed use of our product.

COLE: Oh no you don't, you're not getting this without a fight [brandishes saber, ready to ignite it and whoop some ass]

LAWYER [calmly waves his hand]: You don't want to fight me.

COLE [mind-tricked]: I don't want to fight you.

LAWYER: You will give me the lightsaber.

COLE: Here, I'll give you the lightsaber.

LAWYER: I will have a nice day

COLE: Have a nice day

The Lawyer turns on his heels and walks away. Trent walks in and sees cole standing there looking bewildered.

TRENT: What happened?

COLE: I had a run-in with a Dark Lawyer of the Sith. He took my lightsaber.

The two turn around and watch the Lawyer's imperial shuttle take off through the window...

COLE: Now I have to wait 2 years with nothing to do until Episode 2...

TRENT: Ah, there's always the Collectible Card Game

Cut to shot from outside the window, with Trent and Cole looking out, pulling away slowly...


COLE: I hate you Trent.


IRIS CLOSE, theme music, credits