Clint Alexander (Dark Lawyer of the Sith): Clint works for The Man. He has a vacation home in Sumeria and drives a Lincoln Continental with a bumper sticker that reads "I Build Wealth." In his spare time, he practices his William Shatner impersonation and goes to archaeological digs to pick up chicks.

   Diane Cheetham (Lead Digital Artist): Diane has many secret identities. She is known to some as Tart, some identify her as Jujubee, and a fortunate few call her Pookie. A longtime advocate of alternative cuisine, she has nevertheless incurred the wrath of the Smoothee King, and seeks to undermine his tyrannical regime through propaganda and political maneuvering.

   Jeff Howard (Jeff): Jeff comes from a long line of carnie folk, as evidenced by his small hands and the way that calliope music seems to follow him wherever he goes. He was last seen entering a strange dark circle in the middle of a Northwestern forest, muttering something about someone named "Annie." What is it with English majors?

   Kristen Maxwell (Gordo, Director, Writer, blah blah blah): For the role of Gordo, I spent three semesters cultivating an immense, black moustache, using a combination of horse grooming products and a magical potion recipe from the first edition Dungeon Master's Guide. It wasn't really worth it in the end, because it just ended up looking fake. Now I spend my days drinking Golden Lassos and my nights dreaming of Wednesday.

   Ron Smith (Ron, Darth Holio): I'm not sure about Ron. Somebody told me he was a design student at the University of Tulsa, but I'm pretty sure that's some sort of cover story. He does have an amazing artistic ability, and though we have never actually exchanged words, his drawings are truly fantastic. Look for more from this guy in the future.

   Ambre Styers (Cafeteria Girl): Ambre is Significantly Attached to Cole. That's about all I know. Except for that ancient legend that my great-grandma brought from the old country, but that's surely a coincidence.

   Trent Troop (Trent): Trent is a constant companion of mine. Also a graphic design student at the University of Tulsa, he has some mad Photoshop and 3D animation skillz. He is usually found hanging out with giant robots and bandying around terms like "transmetal" and "articulation," but I still have no idea what he's talking about.

   Cole Weston (Cole): Famous for his role as Cole Weston, Cole Weston is a very Cole Weston kinda guy. Cole aspires to be a graphic designer, and likes Japanese stuff just a little too much. About half of the Star Wars junk in his room in the movie is actually his. And yeah, that's his Macross Valkyrie on the shelf in the intro shot.

   William Wright (Frat Boy): What can I say about William that won't be recorded and used against me at a later date? He's an engineer, a writer, and a connoisseur of Brazilian alternative music. There's nothing I could make up about William that would be stranger than the truth.

   Jeremy Zimmer (Stand In): This kid is nothing but trouble. During the shoot, he kept insisting that I throw him down the stairs some more, and it was only after much coercion that I got him to wear stunt pads. I think he might be dangerous.